That phrase forever tortures my heart.Right from my childhood.Right from when my mum would kiss me goodbye on the forehead as she left for work leaving me behind with my auntie.Right from when my visiting cousins would be going after spending a weekend.Something about goodbyes is that they are fond.They are heartfelt.Goodbyes come from people very close or once close to us.I hate departures.Announced or unannounced.Timely or untimely.Not after spending a minute or a decade with people we really treasure.Those we put close to our hearts.Those we always think of. Reminds me of when I joined boarding school back then in lower primary when I was still a junior.I was so overwhelmed with the thought of finally getting to be on my own.To finally be independent.To time myself. To do my laundry.To take care of my belongings.To finally be on my own.I smiled at the whole idea every time I thought about it.I was more than excited.But once I told my mum goodbye,I cried rivers.I regretted the whole idea of ever wishing to go to a boarding school.For nearly a fortnight,I was never myself.Bitter sweet goodbyes.
Inevitable goodbyes? Those are the worst.The whole thought of never seeing someone for sometime or sometimes even forever,is sickening.Its heartbreaking.People we can hardly spend a day without.Family,close friends and lovers.Even worse,appearing as strangers to people who knew every little detail about you.Your shoe size.Your favorite meal.Your worst artist.Everything.People whom you spilled every little detail about your life to.And then one day,a simple “goodbye forever” ruins it all.Everything.
“Goodbye.I wish you all the best in life.” Why do people say that when all they do is want to walk out of your life.Is it he most polite way mankind ever invented to unceremoniously walk out of someone’s life?No if you really wished me all the best in life,you’d stick around.For a little longer.Hang on to the strides left.However weak.Hold on to the edge.However close.However dangerous.That what significant others are supposed to do.That’s what partners are for.Not just to share the good times and ahoy!When things go south,so does the duo.All the best in life?That was you.You were the best in life.In my life.And no,you really don’t wish me well.Those who really do stay.Those who really do forgive.They try and bury the past,six feet under to create avenues for a better tomorrow.To illuminate the ever promising future ahead.Those who care?Those who care don’t hold grudges.They are never quick to say “goodbyes.”There is absolutely nothing good in goodbyes.
Flee! But still,we find a way and flee.We find our own escapism from the reality.We find away to deal with everything.To deal with goodbyes.Intentional goodbyes.Inevitable goodbyes.But there is and there forever will be a hollow space left in our hearts.Goodbyes?There is and there forever will be nothing good about goodbyes!
My mental pathways have been clogged with thoughts, emotions,memories, half digested experiences, a little bit of THC & alcohol for a while now. It’s starting to ache, and as painfully awkward as it may be blogging again, it needs to be done.So excuse me as I bang and scratch at the cubical walls of my blog, pant, rant, moan and groan, I really need to take a dump, off my mind, and let it swirl on the page half submerged so I can look at it. Smell my own shit, acknowledge it, detox and move on. That’s what blogs are for after all. Your own personal cubical where you can scratch things into the wall and fill it with your shit, just more hygienic but as therapeutic as taking a daily dump.
Have you ever had the urge to just walk up to some random but seemingly cool person and just spill the beans, pour your heart out, tell them all, the hilarious random thoughts, strange realizations, deep secrets, childhood memories, family drama just blurt it out, unwound and boundless from social constraints and norms of proper conversation making.Regardless to the fact that they wont even know what your talking about or frankly care? Yeah, in that unpunctuated fashion too.As if in a telepathic pattern.Tell them how much you love them and make them fall into your grandeur. Then later break their hearts into very tiny pieces and scatter them all over and then walk away!You know some sins sometimes just feel too big to forgive. With chronic consequences like Adam and Eve’s. How do you even begin to explain or justify the inexcusable? Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day?When you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces? Make it look like it was framed when reality is that you set yourself up, and fell for it too. It wasn’t premeditated but preventable.But I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way! How do you explain, even to yourself, that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were as sober as a priest? Shit happens when you let it. Why? Now that’s the unexplained part. How do I always end up the heartless guy yet I started off with good intentions? How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?Or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate? Growing pains perhaps or battle wounds?Or are they sent to a solitary confinement forever? Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too.But then again,there’s no stigma in being single.Tried relationship a couple times,realized it wasn’t my thing,moved on & so what!
Amor Fatî.(Love for one’s fate)
If you actually thought terrosists are the worst people to ever frustrate human kind ,try having Exes. Wild Exes if you know what I mean .
Immature ones for that cause. Those who will start gossiping your bedroom affairs immediately you part ways.How much of a non-performer you are while you were the one who used to remind her she’s not an orphan when you used to ask her “Whose your daddy” during coitus.How prematurely you used to ejaculate and what nots.
Ungrateful ones who go to publicize your finacial constraints forgetting that they left you with an M-Shwari loan you took to get her sanitary towels and took her out to sip those overpriced Lattes just to make her fit in a stereotype with her buddies!
Demented ones who make your mimd blow with baseless & stupid post break up arguements.
Worse still,hopeless romantics who can never let go.Those who can never let you be.Those who will try anything within their capacity to make you feel bad for letting them go including jumping into rebounding relationships with guys who even their names are clearly written “Jerks” all over them.Guys with those short corny names like Joe ,Sam or Kym. You know!.Those who call her “Kaxupuu”.Save her as “Mxuper Number 1” on they phones.What makes you think there isn’t a number two?Or three?Or four?Or even ten ay?
You know those typa guys who think Elani is a singer?And not a band?Yeah.Those ones.
Those double standard dwibs for Exes with half wits who can’t simply subtract you from their lives peacefully without dividing you into several halves.They have to destroy you with their endless unbecoming prejudices & insecurities which are baseless and even a threat to your own sanity.Those who cause more drama than baby mamas demanding child support.Crazy & annoying Exes who can get you to be buying the newspaper on a daily just to look at the obituary column to see if you can find them there. These are people you once loved with your all. Mind you.People you loved & even made you go bonkers.Those whose “Goodmorning” texts made you smile more than the sunrise and the actual gift of a new day.But suddenly all that love washes away.For a reason or two.And when love fades,hate prevails.Thats for certain.There are no in betweens.
And whatever made you two break is of no value anymore when you decide to be apart finally.Whether its because you allegedly cheated her or “Cheated” on her or because you discovered she has a higher body count than Kim Kardashian. :D” Nothing matters when the love is erroded away.Thats just it.You don’t owe them friendship.They had an opportunity for that when you were with them.You don’t owe them an apology for whatever nor do you owe them any explanation whatsoever. They are your
EXES.Who they are dating is none of your business and whether or not they look better than you is absolutely irrelevant and an insecure curiosity.Move on!Exes should remain as such!
Well,should I start by apologizing for being away for longer than Hon.Mugabe’s term in power or by telling you that I finally learnt how to skate after 5 years in vain! If you doubt my prowess,you can come to the Agha Khan walk every Sunday in the afternoon.
Well,first things first.I had been undergoing a verbal constipation over time,had school work to attend to,very tiny broken pieces of my heart to assemble together,goals to achieve & little nitty gritties that made it impossible for me to jot a post or two.But I,’m now good.Best believe 🙂
Every adolescent guy above the age of 14 years,has faced rejection at one point in time.Direct or indirect.On the face or over the phone.Either way.You have been there.I have been there.We have all been there.Not the Neanderthal kind of rejection but the very “friendly” kind of rejection. Its not funny.It doesn’t derive hilarity Not a tad bit.
But why do guys have to be slapped with this very “Friendly rejection”? Aren’t opposite sex supposed to be attracted to each other as per the Holy scriptures?Do all guys undergo this
Friendly rejection sugar coated as the “Friendzone” time & over again?No.Methinks not.But for these guys,well…
1.The “I’m cooler than your boyfriend type.”
This is the guy who always seems to think he is way too better off than the guy a girl is dating.He has an ego bigger than Kanye’s,thinks his sense of fashion is the shit & acts as if in a competition with the guy.Chill bruh!If you were way better,the girl would have chosen you.Don’t act too desperate trying to outsmart the other guy.Just sit your ass on the techical bench with the other guys & wait for them to breakup.That’s only when you can win the million pieces of her broken heart,and that way,find your way to her lower opening.Otherwise,you’ll forever remain her “Buddy!”
2.The “I don’t just want sex only” dimwits.
This is the dumb demented guy who hasn’t got laid for Heavens knows how long & sheepishly thirsts after the girl like a dehydrated buffalo with the “I don’t want sex only” line.Nigga,you already admitted you want sex already.What’s more?That sidelines you.Even if you promise to take her to Paris for dinner & Zanzibar for sunset in one day,bruh you are already in her list of her “Best Friends Forever.”You’ll never date her.You’ll never even ever hug her.Just half stiff handshakes & you are done.Who admits that they want sex?Are you a horny alien?Give up already & wear that “BFF” badge on your neck!
When God was done with His creation,He took His time and literally created you in His own image.You have all it takes to turn heads for the ever complicated female specie.Your sense of fashion is at pur.Your choice of hang out joints is well,classy.You won undeserved presents as a kid in school,went for all the festivities in High school & never missed in the “Big ups” column in the insyder.But seemingly you are always referred to as “buddy” by almost al your female friends.Who wants to date a guy who is the centre of attraction to all ladies?Who wants to live with all those insecurities of being robbed of her “Mr.Right”? Who will keep up with someone who is always talking about his ab workout,how his day was at the gym,how many likes he got on his selfie and how many guys are hitting on him! You’ll always be the “Can we do Pizza today” type of buddy or “Are we going for tonight’s event at Carni sweetheart?”
4.”Mr.Know it all.”
“I know who masterminded the Westgate attack!”
“Lilian Muli is having domestic issues with her husband.”
“It seems Jane & her girlfriends are having issues”.
Dude,are you the Internet?Or do you have a Vagina?When you act like you know everything,these girls will just take you as one of their own,you know.You remind them much of their salonist Mama Kamau who keeps them upto date on the unfolding drama in your locale. So, in her absense,you always entertain them.They will always shower you with compliments like “Hahahaha.Aki you are funny just like my crush!”.Dude,thats the height of being friendzoned.Thats irreedemable. Till death do you part,its “Friends forever!!”
5.”The Guardian Angel.”
If you act too much of a gentleman,you don’t have any other place in her heart than the bottom most corner of her Friendzone.You are a sweetheart to her,a darling she woun’t wanna lose. Who will take her for bra shopping if she lost you?Who will get her sanitary towels when its that time of the month,who will buy her Data bundles for her to access her IG?Who will help her in making the right choice of a boyfie?But on the brighter side,you’ll earn her trust,but not her heart or body!She’ll even change her clothes infront of you & ask you to help her unhook her bra.But just like in window shopping,the “See but don’t touch” rule is highly applicable.Bruh!
So again,I’m back after a helluva long time.Longer than the period it has taken to convict the ICC indictees.Longer than President Moi’s reign in power.So I decided to take a sabbatical break,to put my school work & relationship life together.Don’t give me that face,Yes I know you read my first article “Yes!!!I Loathe Relationships” but Yeah,I’m dating.Been of air for likely reasons as loss of mental ideas to boggle my blog.But a current ressurections of ideals once gone has come back and with them my brains of old. So, back again & for a reason.Not a legitimate reason but still,for a reason.Purpose maybe.To spill out what’s been in my brain for close to two months or so without writting.Pardon me if you may.Thank you.Maybe I should start with my usual complaints.The night is cold, the slates of utter blankness like gales of absolute zero. Loneliness staring at me as though I have become the enemy.Nothing substansial to do.Movies exhausted,playlist boring.WhastApp stale,Facebook expired.
Life-Life sucks.I have been trying out this zen concept, after all, the bad boy attitude was not getting me laid, so i tried to make peace with the world,got into a commitment,happy.No frality.Dignity at pur.No worries.Arguements here & there but still worth it.
Music-Fun(Carry on), slowly humming into your ear.And suddenly you have the solution to all your problems You keep on repeating the song hoping you can capture it forever.What they all said ill about you quickly dissolves. You start to fly. The weed you have been taking slowly kicks in .The clouds seem to shapeshift as does your mind even what you were working on finally reveals itself.The ex-es no longer seem to matter.Your eyes, set on that prize.To make it big.
Rugby-Prinsloo was just fine.Too much hype but still,just fine.Not fun,FINE.Safaricom 7s is also due.Where the middle class go to show how rich they aren’t.Striving to fit in slim social class slots that are impossible.Lulz.Can’t wait too.I’m in the bandwagon.
That’s all.Just needed to unwind.Promise to post something substansial in due time.
Okay,so I met up with some buddy recently, a buddy I had been avoiding for sometime. But since I had sorted things out between us, I saw no harm in meeting up with her. What could happen? Apart from some flirting which is pretty normal for any teenagers!
She wanted me to go over at her place, but I thought it would be better to go somewhere else where shit cant just happen,I’m conscious now,for those of you who don’t know I got married,well,now I think you do.Thanks to the scrutinizing eye of the public,yet not too public, somewhere we can assume the ‘anonymous-couple-talking-at-a-cafe’ facade, (like the extras in the movies).See,I don’t use women for sex.I use them for ego inflation & shit.I’m kind of a myoginst.That’s Fucked up,Ha?Well,I know. So she came and we took a walk down to some downtown café. It was a good chance to talk and catch up; although quite strange at first, since I have never actually seen her in for a helluva long time & during the day! Usually we talk on the phone, or I see her at night when we’re all out. So I took a good look at her, and was shocked at what I saw. She actually used to be kinda cute, or maybe it was the ‘alcohol goggles’ and the flashy night lights that make everything seem so cool, or maybe because it was just dark.People look different at night even if there is light you know. In the daytime however, she looked really messed up. Her eyes were all squinty and kind of swollen and looked dirty, like she had just woken up and hadn’t washed her face and put on make up. Her skin was oily in a venomous way, like those slimy green and black Amazon frogs.Looks cool on them, but mutant scary on humans! She looked kind of burned in some areas too.’Scorched’ perhaps is a better word. She was skinny and lanky, even more so than when I last saw her,her boobs looked saggy, and walked in a limp tired way, I could tell she was out of shape from the little’walk we had to the café and back & just appeared to be “broke”. I dont know why I hadn’t seen this before. Perhaps it was the stark sunlight that made her true form and colour naked to my eye. Perhaps I just hadn’t ever really taken a good look at her!Whatever it was, it made me realize that alcohol really is poison, and with time its evident as it takes its toll on your body. This chick has been partying and going out from 7pm tp 6am almost every other day of the week for like a year now. Fastforward to now, she’s still doing what she was doing a year ago; borrowing money from her many “Lovers”, going out drinking, crashing in the day time, with a few errands her mother forces her to do inbetween. No studies no job, her guitar got broken sometime last year so she’s been doing nothing constructive for the past year. I told her of course what a mess she was, and she should really sort out some things in her life. Though I’m sure that’s a song she’s heard way too often. Just hopes she listens to the lyrics this time.
The reason I decided to blog today is neither because its of substance or anything worth.But boredom.Boredom is my only state of mind after I took a sabbatical break from Highness.And Ahoy!I’m on an alcohol cleanse too tho’ last weekend I succumbed and took a bottle or two..You see,I went clubbing like all the ‘Coll people’ do & I could’nt just sip there and sip a small Fanta Like a kid who’s gone to a kid festival.That aside.
See,I exist in a state of constant horniness,boredom,wanderlust and introspection so I thought I’d write something. Okay,so I finally got to start Uni.A year later but still,I believe a year better.The reasons for joining late are too many to detail here.You’ll let that pass,shall you?Okay,thank you. I’d name the University where I finally went to but I know that’ll be subject to mockery.Not standard wise but the geographical Location.
They say the freedom was better than breathing. They were right. Its exhilarating, even when you’re broke & stuck at school, the fact that I’m free to roam, just pick up and walk out, or bring in whoever I please is exhilarating! Still I’m not yet completely free.The bars have been lifted but I’m still shackled to my mother.That sucks.But still,I Love her to bits.
Most parents are meant to wash their hands of their children when they turn eighteen and move away for university. Not mine. I still go through that afterschool
conversation. “How was school? Fine. Anything new? No. Have you eaten? Yes. Good.” Just this time its not over the dining table (Ha! More like dinner on the couch infront of the TV as she sits at the table) and she doesn’t becon
me to her room to talk to me, but instead calls every single fucking day! Everyday, I still have nothing new to say even if I did, I wouldn’t tell her. I wish I could, but I’ve
tried and it upset her, so I just tell her what she wants to hear, keep her blood pressure regular. I’m still operating undercover, just
that since I’m far its less extreme,
but I’m not free from the fascist
Well,about only a week into this Life and man,Life here is helluva crazy.More Like the metaphor of the garden of Eden.Pure bliss.Where all the vices are counted as virtues.Bhang-smoking,tho they prefer ‘Weed’ to bhang since it sounds less gross.Relationships here last for hours and moving on takes minutes.Social classes everywhere.Alcohol in desired amounts and all.Okay,Lemme not appear like I’m too judgemental.Its my first week….
TO BE CONTINUED….
Ahoy! Well, so atleast every April,the 24th day of the Blessed & Rainy month,I’m privilleged to celebrate my born day with Kelly Clarkson among many other prominent personalities:).
Well,I’ll be turning 20 in a few hours. Bizarre. Surreal. Cannot believe it.Seems more Like a dream.An illusive dream.How fast time flies!Ha! Just yesterday I was at ecstatically getting the hell out of high school, wearing uniforms and shit. Well,its been a year or so tho’.I’m game to the world. I can hardly believe that I can say,
“twenty years ago…” about anything.That phrase sends down shivers:)
Maturity comes with age or so they say.So,as I turn 20,a couple things I need to do,don’t do,cut down or maybe add to my bucketlist of this long journey called Life.Thanks to the Almighty for bringing me this far!
Dear Craig at 20.
From;Craig at 19.
1. Education really is useless.Well,unless it strives to give you a collective enlightment, a brighter view of the world,pay zero attention.
2. Friends are mostly evil.Be careful whom you tread with.
3. Talk is cheap.Ignore people who speak sham and tyrannize you while they praise themselves.
4. Ignore the masses , public perceptions & validations of your actions and who you really are.
5. There is no such thing as soul mate. I know, this is particularly hard news to take because you are longing for ‘The One’ 24-7. But, guess what, The One is The One because you say she is. And that’s way more liberating and empowering than anything preordained or supposedly destined.
6. There’s no such thing as destiny. Life really is what you make it.Best believe.
7.Tragedy happens.Yes,everything happens for a reason, but life can be cruel and wrenching and while it all comes out in the cosmic wash, some souls collide and
mistakes do happen.Don’t cringe when you go wrong.Mend your ways.
8. Craig Brian is a helluva amazing man, but there is more to the machinations of life, illness, and cosmology than the simple
explanations offered by You Can Heal Your Life.
9. Religion is overrated.
10.Keep a small circle & cherish your close friends.
11. Only lend money if you don’t want it back.
12. Club more,party and shit.Teenage Life isn’t forever.
13. If you don’t kiss girls in your twenties, you’ll probably never get around to trying it out at your 50’s.You should try it out.
14. You’re right – kindness is one of the most powerful natural resources there is infinitely renewable.
15. Your feelings are exceedingly more useful than your ability to rationalize your fears or other people’s poor behaviour.
16. Your heart.Value it.
17. When you turn 20, you shall be rocking like never before, grateful for absolutely everything, and you will finally, finally feel
like earth is home for the most part.
18.Settle down.Its the best way to go about Life.
19.Learn how to swim.
20.Work out!Yepp,work out.
Happy 20th Birthday to me!:)
Don’t you just loathe people who will question your seemingly hanging shoelaces of your new kicks instead of acknowledging them first?
Who will be quick to comment on your photos asking where that place is instead of complementing the beauty depicted in it?
People who will complain how a food you’ve prepared for them is saltless & the salt shaker is right infront of them.
People with superiority complex who will always seem to negate anything you do & look down upon you.Hate on everything you do yet they are nowhere close to being perfect. Who instead of greeting you they frown upon you and ask why you have been missing for a long time in oblivion of the fact that you’ve made an effort to go & meet them.People who brand you a snob when they’ve never made an effort to start a conversation.
Self proclaimed ‘intellectuals’ who love quarrelling & criticizing about everything you do, but seemingly can’t stand it when you argue back or try to justify yourself? Who are always talking about healthy lifestyle diet and exercise, lecturing you about how you should cut down on the salt, yet are overweight or look malnourished?Who’ll preach to you about sexual abstinence yet they have worse sex Lives than Kim Kardashian.Who will question your religous stand yet they are unrighteous in their ways. Who can’t take a joke, and think their annoyingplay fighting is amusing? Who believe that because you’ve messed up once or twice you’re a criminal, who must not be trusted ever again, and sentence you to solitary confinement, moreover without solid evidence, a reasonable or valid reason and a fair trial? Who feel like they don’t need to explain themselves just because they are older or slightly on a higher education level than you? Who refuse to try to understand your individual differences, and simply take them as forms of rebellion against what is right and proper according to them. Who feel righteous yet cast darker shadows than you? Who are always asking you in an accusing tone if you’ve been smoking/or drinking when you’ve clearly been clean & sober for months.People who will look for the slightest typing error in an awesome prose & fail to acknowledge it.Brace yourselves psychos.Let people Live their Lives.Let people be!